Omens, but make it trendy…
The older and closer that I get to gaining a spot on the auntie team, the more honest I am about my growing abhorrence for trendiness. It's not the collective interest or popularity that bothers me, but more so the assumption and pressure for everyone to accept said trend as the new standard, that's triggering. It's giving me feelings of black squares on Instagram, colonization and gentrification, and I am not with it. And so, it was with some trepidation that I picked this book up out of the little free library near the park that my daughter and I regularly visit. Everything in me knew that the book was placed there for me. It was the first thing that caught my eye when we arrived as it was perfectly propped up inside the window, hiding the other titles, and I had to look twice to make sure it was what I thought it was. It was as if something within me was expecting it. Even as I picked it up and began to read, I recognized the familiar feelings of fear that rise up in me anytime I prepare to experience things that have become wildly popular. Trendy, if you will. The fear is based in the possibility that I will not love said experience, and then will have to justify my unpopular opinion to others, all while questioning myself about if there's something I'm missing that is in some way a sign of my own inadequacy. Rabbit hole into self doubt. I know. But I have heard this title so many times, from so many people whom I respect and admire, that despite my belief that this might be one the trendiest books of "new age" spirituality, I knew I needed to push down the fear and just allow myself to experience it. I was somewhat shocked at the ease with which I read the book, only because as a full time, single mommy, I often have to reserve time aside to focus solely on reading, or else the effort is foiled as soon as it begins. It's literally taken me years to get through some books. But I could've easily read this book in one sitting if not disturbed. Breaks and mommy duties included, it took me a little over a day to read, and before I reached the end, I had a tear stained face, because I knew why it was placed in that little library for me. This book about omens, was my own omen in the midst of my roller coaster healing process. It's simple words and story served as a powerful reminder to me to stop hesitating and FREAKING LIVE!!!! Just the night before finding the book, after working through a difficult, extremely emotional day, I was cursing and questioning the push that the universe was clearly giving me to step out of comfort and believe in my abilities. Like, "Why me? Why do I have to be uncomfortable? I've suffered enough trauma! I just want to rest!" The gloomy residue from this emotional day has spilled over into all of the next day, and I'd moped through all of my requirements for the day. The day was extremely cold, and even the visit to the park was something my daughter had to talk me into, which is a very rare occurrence. All things considered, the way the book's message hit me was a gradual release. The story and its messages were beautiful, but all so eerily familiar to me, that I know I was not discovering them, but remembering them. The messages lived rent free in my head all throughout the next two days, threatening not to leave until I did something to resolve them. Like, "Girl, do something!" I didn't know how to move next, but as I asked myself, "What are you trying to do with your life? For real?" the instant answer that popped into my head was, "I'm curating peace." I just knew it was a term I had to have heard or read or seen somewhere else, but as I searched the internet to empty results, I knew this was my next step. A domain purchase and a day later, I had a website and one whole subscriber for whom I am so grateful! And it felt...feels SO RIGHT! I'm pouring into this with all of the love and belief that my ancestors have been waiting for me to fully receive my entire life! I'm stepping into myself, and I'm quieting my hating ass fears. As I wrote in my new moon journal only weeks ago, I am finally ready to take myself seriously.
